Seeing this art by artist Markus Prime, made my heart do a little start. It still hurts. It's still painful to look on images and hear stories of oral sex and the celebration of female sexuality without feeling a type of way. I was 24 and innocent and free with my sexuality, when my boyfriend at the time refused to 'go down on me'. That feeling of rejection was one of the most painful feelings I've had to go through in my adult life. The trauma it caused in my mental and sexual psyche is something I am still trying to heal from 3 years later.
That was my first relationship, the first time I had sex. I placed all my trust and pleasure into his hand and to be told 'no that will never happen' in regards to oral sex from him was a blow I was unprepared for. My mind couldn't comprehend it. I just knew that oral sex was a sexual desire and need of mine that he refused to honour and give me. (He had no issue with my performing oral sex on him by the way, in fact it was expected). He was a selfish narcissist, who emotionally and mentally and sexually abused me.
I know why I stayed with him. And I grateful to myself every day for the strength it took me to leave.
When I see beautiful images and hear beautiful stories of oral sex, I want to be able to celebrate them as I once did. I don't want them to trigger the pain of shame and rejection.
I am working on it. Three years later and it's still hard. Trauma will settle in the bones sometimes until you have forgotten who you were before it. But I remember that 23 year old woman I was before him. I remember how sex and sexually positive and open and free I was. I remember my curiosity. The intrigue oral sex especially held for me. My fantasies about the peace and pleasure that comes from having lips intimately taste me. My first experience of oral sex at that very age. The shock that ran through my body at the first time I felt man's kiss down there. The pure pleasure and almost surrender I felt; the surrender of ego, I was completely vulnerable.
My soul felt like yes finally I had experienced my birthright.
Oral sex is a form of worship, a union of the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine in an act of love, mutual pleasure and trust.
By Danielle Allen